Saving the world on a Sunday afternoon
A guide for humans and elves on what tribes is what and what to do around orcs by Squire Remora Shorttusk-Loxley
If you is reading this, then well done – you is already being better as a person than people who is not even trying to know orcs. Have a biscuit.
You should be knowing before you is going any further that I is being both a half-Orc and a Paladin-Squire and a Freedomy person who was being brought up by orc father and human mother who is learning about orcs, but I is thinking that this is good thing cos I is getting both what it is being like to be an orc and what it is like not thinking like an orc. What I is going to cover is not how to be chummy with every orc what you is meeting, it is what to be expecting around most orcs. If is being stuff what is being different for tribes I will be using Shorttusk as one I is knowing best being my dad’s tribe so do not be complaining if you is finding orcs what is doing it different.
First thing to be remembering is being that orcs is not being suttle. Orcs in not being stupid, but what is being point of politicking and stuff what humans and elves is always getting up to? Do not be mistaking that this is mean orcs is not doing cunning things or being sneaky, is just meaning that orcs is preferring straight up and is not always trying hard to hide what we is really doing like you is. This is also meaning that orcs is generally saying what they is meaning and thinking, they is not prettying it up. One side of this is do not be trying politicking at orcs and really do not be breaking promises and vows cos that is good way to get a smack over the head with a sharp sword. This not same as ‘being cheeky’, that is being allowed.
Second thing is that speaking orc is as much about body language as speaking, and orcs is liking to shout. What you is calling riot we is calling friendly argument, and a lot of orc flirting and courting is about showing your sweety that you is fit mate by destroying stuff and having punch-up. Orc laughs are being body-stuff more than wordy-stuff. If an orc is waving a weapon at you is probably not being friendly but if they is punching you they probably is and best thing is being to punch back.
Third thing is that it is not mattering how much orc tribes is fighting each other, if you is sticking your axe in without making sure it is okay then there is being good chance they will be ganging up on you. This is place Kingdom is mostly going wrong.
There is being many tribes of orcs. Only constants is being that orc religions and gods is being of the ordery, mighty and deathy flavours; if you is finding a tribe what is not being like that, they is not very good orcs. You is also finding magicky tribes what have spent too much time hanging with elementals or somesuch – magic is not being easy for orcs so it is mostly being when it is getting baked in – and sometimes normal orcs that is having magickers too cos it being hard is not being reason not to be doing it.
Tribe is always having a Chief (maybe two if is being mated pair what is handling work together), at least one Champion (second strongest orc in tribe – first is being Chief) and at least one advisor what is usually a priest or magicker or at least good at thinking.
If you is wanting to impress a tribe, fighting Champion is usually being good way to go just be sure you is knowing if it is tribe where fights is being to death first. Even if you is losing, if you is making good show and impressing Champion you is onto a winner. If you is winning, this is making you Champion of the tribe – please do not be then fighting Chief cos if you is winning that you is being Chief and that is just being embarrassing for orcs.
Easy way to be seeing what tribe an orc is being is by face markings and other pictures on clothing and stuff. There is being three face markings what is not being for a tribe:
Any other marking is being a tribe marking; I is adopting Paladin shield as a marking as I is of tribe Paladin now, but if I is finishing adult stuffs then I could also be having Shorttusk markings. Is more complimicated than just being list though cos tribes is splitting and joining if there is being too many or too few of them or there is being argy-bargy going on. If you is asking nicely I is sharing tribe markings what I is knowing.
There is being an Orcish langwage. It is not being used with non-orcs so much cos you is not learning it and cos it is being something that you is not nicking off us. If we is using Orcish around you is probably being rude words. Nuff said.
If you is wanting to speak to orcs in Common, do not be trying to speak it like what we is cos that is just being annoying. Do not be faffing about, say what it is you is meaning to say. Easy words is better bet than complimicated ones.
One thing I is having a lot of talkings about is orcs and undead. Orcs and undead is being very complimicated subject because is being big difference between Kingdom and orc seeings. As I has been saying, orc religion is generally Ordery, Mighty or Deathy. Now, if you is orc priest and you is Deathy or Mighty is being really big deal cos if undead is being one that is yours then is gods’ way of saying that you is being really good priest what is serving them well – is being high status and is being useful. Even more so if is being an orc because priest is pulling back orc from Plane of Tortured Souls or Planes of Death and is giving them good job to be doing in fresh air. If is being wandering undead what someone else is making, is being useful still so is no point just letting it go manky and maybe making trouble, might as well be taking it over and putting it to useful job.
Magicking undead is a different basket of rabbits. There is being tribes what is doing it, there is being tribes what is being okay with it if it is only being done on non-orcs, and there is being tribes what is not being happy with it at all. Most of time if you is choosing to smush a tribe what is doing it you is almost certain to be getting away with it because gods of Death and Might is not generally being happy with people what is doing it and even tribes what is okay with other tribes doing it is knowing that just because they is not doing to orcs now is not meaning they will never be doing it to orcs.
Magicking demons is for people what is not liking getting their hands dirty. That is all I saying on that.
Why is orcs not getting along with not-orcs? This is being most importantest question, and I is going to have problem ansering cos I is half-orc and cos Shorttusk is one of tribes what is generally being okay with not-orcs as long as they doing things properly (or I would not be being here to be writing this). So this is being how I is seeing it and may not be being true for all orcs ever.
Not-orcs can be being good for orcs. When is having people like Lannister what is talking to orcs and doing their best to make orcs be part of whole, it can be working all right, but even then orcs is liking fighting so is never going to be being peasfull.
At same time, outside of Lannister Kingdom is basically saying orcs is not being people – is being part of your laws. Even inside Lannister you is getting people what is saying orcs is stupid, orcs is bad, orcs is made by bad gods doing bad things. Kingdom is taking over orc lands because they is bigger, but is not even doing it in proper way by challenge – is just running in and killing and cheating with your magicking and god-bothering and everything.
Orcs might not be living so long as humans even but that does not mean orcs is forgetting yesterdays. Orcs is fighting Hassani before that and elves before that and each other all the way. Is being deep in bones of orc that non-orcs is going to try and kill orcs so might as well be getting axe in first. Is not helping that orcs is seeing strength as being good thing and that strength means is okay to bully weak things, and humans and elves is looking weak.
So what can you be doing? Stand your ground, but do not be one kicking off. Learn to be seeing what is just orc-talk and what is actual kicking off. Remember that just cos a person is green that is not making them a non-person – and think about it for if they is being grey or furry or whatever too, cos there are being lot of people in world what is thinking fine but looking different. Be acting with honour cos that is meaning that even if is going wrong with this tribe then other tribe is not thinking you is just going to be stabbing them in back too, but also be acting with sense cos orcs is learning bad ways off non-orcs and cos orcs is seeing weak people as prey.