Large Tankard Magazine

28/05/100 – Barony to Curb Drinking on the Streets

The barony has renewed its safe streets policies with a newly proposed bill to enforce stringent restriction on the consumption of certain alcoholic beverages on the streets of barony outposts following the untimely death of patrol watchman Javis in the “poor quarter” last week. The newly proposed regulations have met strong opposition particularly from the highlanders and the guardsmen offering a distinct challenge to the authorities.

Patrol Watchman Javis was discovered by one of his colleges at 3 o’clock in the morning his face down in the gutter of the street with a tankard in his hand. The attending priests confirmed that he died due to massive head trauma conducive to a drunken fall. On resurrection Watchman Javis denies the accusations that he was drunk on duty and claims to have been pushed. In light of this new information the case may be re-opened however Marshal Yaegar indicated that he was skeptical that any new information will be gained.

A number of far-fetched explanations have been voiced by the traditional conspiracy theory advocates, whilst others claim it was assination carried out by the mysterious Dark Blades. Such theories however have been debunked by Marshal Yeager, who issues the following statement:

Such theories have no grounds whatsoever, although it has been reported that Watchman Javis was somewhat of a ‘Bully’ in the area it is doubful that anyone would have the finances or contacts to involve organised assassins.

19/03/100 – Large Tankard’s Conspiracy Theory of the Week

An anonymous report has been submitted to Large Tankard Magazine which may shed some light onto the truth about the headman of Upper Bogglehampton, “Marshal Bob”.

LTM is still processing the report and has set up an advisory panel of commissioners to look into this matter, but the evidence brought forward strongly suggests that the true identity of “Marshal Bob”, headman of the notoriously unsafe region of Upper Bogglehampton, is none other than The Heart Of Talon!

We present the facts so far, so that you may judge for yourselves in this matter:

FACT: His village and the surrounding area have been repeatedly invaded by powerful undead hordes. An unfortunate attack by forces of darkness as he claims…..or maybe we interrupted his AGM at a bad moment?

FACT: He has shown no grief over the deaths of either of his wives or his newborn son – did they unwittingly stumble upon his secret and had to be kept quiet?

FACT: He has on occasion barricaded himself in his village using powerful miracles of the warding-type against invading orcs. Tricky, advanced and little-known Justice miracle as he claimed – or simply a Life Ward pulled from the DARKER side of his nature?

FACT: During the defence of Bogglehamptom, in the presence of witnesses, he invited his immensely powered-up blacksmith to strike at his leg with the strength of 16 normal people – “Bob” took no damage at all!!! A combination of awesomely powerful Justice miracles – or simply the Necromantic ability to ignore normal damage?

FACT: If “Bob” is then so powerful, how could his village become overrun by a nearby Anarchy temple? Where they really unwelcome intruders….. or invited guests?

FACT: Despite his power, “Marshal Bob” has only ever grudgingly powered up Barony patrol parties. Lack of power? Or an unwillingness to aid his mortal enemy?

RUMOUR: Allegedly, the headman of Lower Bogglehampton was turned into a malevolent Guardian spirit, who went on to attack “Marshal Bob” and capture his essence in a crystal. Was it a truly evil act by an undead spirit, or was this a last, desperate attempt to save the Barony from The Enemy Within?

RUMOUR: He allegedly resurrects people from nothing but their burnt skull – but are they quite the same afterwards?

RUMOUR: His villagers are rumoured to all be somewhat slow and stupid – ordinary bumpkins, or an unfortunate side-effect of zombification?

FACT: An anagram of “Headman Bob” is BAD MAN HOBE, which, as everyone knows, was the Heart’s childhood nickname! [Incidentally, an anagram of “Talon, Heart!” is ALERT, HAT ON!]

Can we really afford to ignore these “coincidences”, or is there something more sinister going on? We advise extreme caution in future dealings with “Marshal Bob”, and remember, whatever you do, DON’T MARRY HIM!!!

Next Week: Resemblences between Baron Van Heusen and The Cheesemonster – bad BO or something deeper?